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wandering_wmn
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Name: Allyn
Gender: Female
Interests: well...i'm interested in a lot of things, theater-tech stuff only, anything swimming related (water polo anyone?), enjoying a good book-is that an interest??, thats all i can think of for now. wait, i forgot ultimare frisbee! that might be a cardinal sin!
Occupation: Student
Message: message me
AIM:  swimmerpk06
Member Since:
12/9/2005
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| gah! i don't even know what i'm feeling right now, but i need to try to get things sorted out, and there isn't anyone i can really talk to about it.
i got angry, i got so angry, so fast. he is the only person who can do that to me, and i hate it. i hate that i care so much because i always end up getting hurt and he walks away apparently unscathed. and i feel dumb because i can't just let go the way he can. things bother me. the fact that i blew up at my best friend bothers me, and i can't talk to him because he says things like "eh, it happens." no, it doesn't just happen. and i hate that i'm so insecure about him. and that he is changing and becoming a person that i don't recognize. when he's with the skys its like he's a different person. he's mean, he's mean to me and he's mean to other people. when i try to give him space he decides he doesn't want it and when i try to get close, he pushes me away. i don't know if i'm angry, or sad, or glad or what. all i know is that i hurt and i don't think thats going to change for awhile. and he can talk to nedah, why can't he talk to me the way he can talk to her. and why is it okay for everyone else to touch him and not me. i don't understand. and i love him so goddamn much that all of this sucks. it just plain sucks. and i don't know if i can keep doing this, over and over and over. and if i lose him it will break my heart.
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| its been a really long time since i've posted anything here. mostly because, i guess i'm building a family here, and thats good. but sometimes i ache for things to be the way they used to be. i miss being with people who know me inside and out. the ones who know that when i disappear for hours without telling anyone where i'm going it means that something is wrong. people who care if something is wrong. but i know that we can never go back to then. i'm lonely. it sounds crazy to say that i am lonely when i am literally never alone, but i am. i want someone to hold me close and tell me that it will be okay. that my past mistakes aren't going to haunt me forever. i want what i can't have, who i can't have. and more than anything i want to be able to go to sleep at night without nightmares.
that was all super emo and pathetic, but its okay because its xanga and thats why i keep it. for saying those things that i can't or won't say anywhere else.
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| i'm pretty sure this was the week from hell. i can't get my paper done for class, its just not coming together. i fell down the stairs on thursday. russians don't believe in happy endings. my roommate is gone. i tried to feel better by drinking. it didn't work. i feel so alone. i just want someone to be here with me. now i don't feel good, and it's my own fault. tomorrow is FPS training. i don't want to go. at all. i talked to jeff, for a long time and i'm pretty sure i dumped a lot of emotional baggage on him. just like i did with paul. why? why can't i just be strong and handle things myself like everyone else does. heather is leaving tomorrow and i can't handle it. | | |
| wow....i've only been here a week but feels like so much longer. my class is going pretty well, minus the three to five hours reading every night. i went to convocation today and saw the president wearing his fuschia doctoral robe. my roomate is leaving tomorrow at noon so i'll be pretty lonely, at least until my family comes to visit sat. | | |
| so....it was karaoke night. the mayor of mt. vernon performed love shack. thats right....love shack. what can i say. | | |
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